After a tumultuous May, I was looking forward to a more settled reading month, but June remained bittersweet with anxiety sticking to me and making reading difficult still.
At the start of the month I continued my slow reading of Some of Us Just Fall by Polly Atkins, a book that endlessly helped me find words to some of my lived experiences of life with a chronic illness, a book that reminded me often how deeply hurt I still am, a book that taught me about hope as anxiety filled my veins.
I followed this book with Sisters of Sword and Shadow by Laura Bates. I borrowed this novel from the library audiobook service. Following my experiences in May, I decided to ditch the plan to read the bookshelf. My bookshelf does not have enough escapism books that I have not already read. Of course, I can read a book more than once but in June, I did not want to. My brain was seldom able to focus on the printed word, so I turned to audiobooks.
On paper, this book should have been right up my alley: set in the arthurian world but with women centre stage, women who are knights. Sadly I could never fully get into the story. I enjoyed the slow mundane scenes but not the plot. The plot felt non existent for most of the book. This was fine with me, I like a story driven by characters, relationships, and quiet moments, but towards the end everything sped up towards a momentum that felt rushed and left me uncaring. I realised then that most of the characters had remained undeveloped throughout the plot. They existed as roles - the friend, the mentor, the leader, the sister, etc. I placed a reservation for the second book but I am uncertain whether or not I'll want to read it when it comes around (spoiler alert: I let the reservation lapse).
On a good day, I attempted a return to the medieval reading challenge and opened the pages of Yvain ou Le Chevalier au Lion by Chretien de Troyes. Unfortunately the good day only lasted for a day and I found myself unable to read much more of the story.
Determined not to give up on the challenge, I turned to my side quest book, The Quest of the Beast edited by Brian Kennedy Cooke. I managed a few chapters before my brain gave up and lost all abilities to focus on the older form of English used throughout.
Defeated and disappointed by my current reading abilities, I decided to give up, be gentle on myself, let reading come back to me and not force it. So it was not until one warm sunny evening, at the end of the working week, compelled to sit in a park, that I picked up a book again. I left behind any ongoing project and selected Is a River Alive? by Robert MacFarlane. The book had arrived on my doorstep on launch, ordered long ago when pre-orders at a local bookshop opened. I was afraid as I opened the book that words would blur, that I'd lose the meaning of a sentence halfway through, but sitting quietly in the park, my eyes drifting often to the birds and the setting sun, I managed to read. Slowly. It was not the easiest of reads but it was enjoyable. I returned home knowing it would probably take me months to read this book, but that in those months I would be able to enjoy the prose of Robert MacFarlane and follow him in a watery world.
Finally I turned to Maigret once more, this time Maigret Tend un Piège by George Simenon. This one was completely new to me. I did not recall ever seeing a film adaptation of reading any pages of this story. It is Simenon's take on a serial killer and as expected, it is all about the psychology of the characters and the heavy atmosphere of an unsettled Paris as murders happen and no killer is caught. I thoroughly enjoyed this one. I now have one last Maigret story for the year and I may just save it for when the colder months return.
Whilst I regained a stable level of energy in June, I was mostly not able to read consistently. Instead, I opened myself to new hobbies. I plunged into the world of spinning and weaving and reserved a slew of books from the library to help me learn. They trickled in on the reserve shelf and I weeded the useful ones from the ones to be returned immediately and got reading. Very few of these books are cover to cover books but they all have been a good way to rekindle with books. I can still engage with the printed words even if not in the way I most desire, not yet anyway.